Big Sister

I am so amazed by Samantha's intiuitiveness to protect her twin brother Tucker. It hurts as well, and allows a huge array of emotions to enter my mind.

An example - At chapel at school on Tuesday, I had the priviledge to attend with the kids. (The teacher does not like me around much - because then Tucker does not follow directions and has a tendency to act up - so I try to stay out of sight at school)

Well, this was a roller coaster event for me. Here is how it went - I arrived early so that I could hide in the back of the room so that Tucker did not see me. I was able to watch the class walk in, in single file, quietly, Sam leading proudly, as she is the designated line leader for the week. She saw me and smiled from ear to ear - but continued with her leading of the class to their appropriate place on the floor. So, I anxiously watched for Tucker so I could enjoy his obedience as well, walking with the rest of the class. But - what - no Tucker - all the kids had come in and Tucker was not with them - I knew where he was - dilly dallying along the way, getting there when he wanted to. So, Teacher K. had to leave to go and get him. He came holding her hand - looking a bit annoyed with her. Of course that parental self kicked in and I was saying in my mind - oh Tucker, why can't you just follow directions. Then, he spotted me - and loudly exclaimed "Mommy", ran away from the rest of the class, in front of the whole school to hug me and kiss me. Tears are there again, loving him for not caring about anything else at the time, but hugging and kissing his Mommy. Then I sent him back to join his class, and just like all the other kids, he proceeded to follow directions. It came time to say the Pledge of Allegance, Pledge to the Christian Flag, and Pledge to the Bible. I watched with such admiration as my two kids, my twins, my little 5-year olds said all three. Oh, and to see Tucker place his hand on his heart and say the pledges, and to see him hold his hands together to form "book" to represent the bible, sent me in to a overwhelming feeling of wanting to bawl right then and there. Things went quite smoothly for the rest of the chapel time, until it came time to sing. And SING did they do. Imagine 115 kids in a room about the size of two average living rooms, add music, and a lot of joyful kids ready to Praise the Lord!! It became very loud very quickly and Tucker does not do well with LOUD noises of anykind. Here is where I became anxious, proud, irritated, confused. See, when the loudest parts of the song came around - Samantha immediately ran to Tucker to put her hands on his ears to shield him from the noise. I watched her with lots of love knowing that for the rest of his life she will always protect him. Tucker looked at me with hugh tears running down his face - he just wanted out of there - but he stayed with Sam and continued to glance at me. At the end of the song - the kids right away got ready to go back to class. Sam grabbed Tucker's hand, brought him to me, and in her demanding, bossy voice said: "Mom, why don't you just take him home?" I immediately wanted to scold her for her tone with me, but I could tell she was very concerned that he was upset, so I had to do some quick thinking, as I had an audience of teachers and administrators, and visitors watching this all unfold. I praised her for protecting her brother, and also let her know that if we did not make a big deal about this, Tucker would be fine once they got back to class. She responded with, "I know Mom, I am just trying to be a Great Big Sister! I just looked at her and did not really know how to respond, so I hugged her, and walked Tucker back to the class, where after a short time of love and hugs and kisses, he settled down. I left the school, feeling like I had just been hit by a truck that smashed me with every emotion you could feel, only all them at once.

I see the developmental gap widening between the two of them, but I also see their Twin bond growing deeper and deeper. I also worry that Samantha spends too much time worrying about Tucker and protecting him that she is missing out on enjoying school and her own time. She cries when he cries after being hurt, she worries when he worries, and she mother's him when I am not around. I am so thankful for this at such a young age, but I also want her to have a worry free life herself. It is enough that I worry for him and think about his future every day, that I don't want her doing it too. I'm the Mom, that is my job! But, then I turn it all over to the Lord to show me how to deal with these changes coming on n their growing years, thanking him and praising him that He gave Tucker a twin to always watch over him. I have read a hundred times, and been told by so many experienced Mother's that this is all a part of our journey with a special needs child. I am praying and learning.

Thanks for letting me share this with you all and for letting me get this off my chest.